The Story of My Life;
[Reprint from 2/26/04]
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
[Left: Bob at 15, with brother Bill]
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided that I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable
as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me, then took everything I had.
Now, I am older and wiser; so I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
[Full Disclosure: This story was given to me by Judy Fox Wood.]
Never Ask a Barber ...
... If you need a haircut.
'Never Look Back ...
... Something might be gaining on you.'
~~~ Satchel Paige
Remembering Mr. Leonard Hoffman at Planting Time
[Archive image: Not Mr. Hoffman]
On a perfect early May morning in 1984, I drove out to Iowa Falls to meet with Gary Hoffman, the CEO of Hoffman Seed Farms. The company had been founded by Gary's father, Mr. Leonard Hoffman in the Dirty Thirties Great Depression era.
Leonard was quite a bright, hard-working entrepreneur as a young man. He was also a hard-core New Deal Democrat, well known in Midwest political power circles. When Jack Kennedy was elected in 1960, all the party-line neighbors were listening in at the time Kennedy called Leonard on the phone.
"This is your President calling, Mr. Hoffman. I need you to come to Washington to run the ASCS [County Agriculture offices] Dept for me" Kennedy said. Leonard really did not want to move to Washington, however when " your President calls ... "
When Leonard went to Washington, his son Gary took over and successfully expanded the soybean seed business. I started helping with their advertising in 1982.
So, on that mellow morning in Central Iowa, when all the area farmers were out in the fields on their red and green tractors, Leonard happened to stop by the office during my visit. He was retired then, around 80-years old. Still sharp as a Buck knife.
With the meadowlarks singing in the pristine air, while the sun climbed higher and warmer, I asked Leonard, "On a morning like this Leonard, do you ever feel the urge to hitch a team of horses to get out there and plant beans like you did back in the 30s."
"No ... I never get that urge, my young friend" he said " I've smelled enough oat farts to last me a lifetime," he grinned.
Rest in peace, Leonard ... We miss you.
[Editor's note: This is the first, and will be the only, fart story on this blog.]
Reprint from 21 September 2002:
With the recent outbreak of these bastards strangling little girls after raping them, I went looking for this piece I posted after we first started our blog:
Mike Royko and Judge Roy Bean's
Famous Sentence for a Rapist-Murderer .
The recent firing of Chicago Tribune columnist Bob
Greene (without a whimper), for 'innappropriate' hanky-panky
with a teenager, made me wonder how his old contempory
columnist, Mike Royko, would have written about Greene,
if Royko hadn't kicked the bucket in 1997.
Royko was a gritty, sarcastic Pulitzer Prize winner who
had no faith in criminal rehabilitation, since so many of
them were still employed at City Hall with Mayor Daley,
Royko was syndicated in over 600 newspapers when he
died at age 64. His beloved down-to-earth style made him bullet-proof
from his critics, who castigated his sometimes vulgar comments.
With today's idiotic political correctness, I long for a few lines
from Royko from time to time.
Royko must have felt the same way himself, with too many
liberal judges gaining lifetime appointments. So, he kept
a famous sentence by Judge Roy Bean under the glass on
the top of his desk.
Judge Roy Bean was both feared and revered for the frontier
justice he dispensed from his saloon in Langtry, Texas back
in the late 1800's.
This is the record of the sentence he
pronounced on a convicted rapist-murderer:
"JOSE MANUEL MIGUEL GONZALES, in a few short weeks
it will be spring. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will
vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. The annual miracle
of the years will awaken and come to pass.
But you will not be there.
The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea.
The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots.
The glorious valleys in the imperial domain will blossom
as the rose.
Still you will not be there.
From every treetop, some wildwood songster
will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport
in the sunshine. The gentle breezes will tease
tassels of the wild grasses and all nature will
But you will not be there to enjoy it.
Because I command the sheriff of the county
to lead you away to a remote spot, swing you by
the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak
and let you hang until dead.
And then Jose Manuel Miguel Gonzales, I further
command that such officer retire quickly from your
dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the
heavens upon your filthy body until nothing is left but
the bare, bleached bones of a cold-blooded, blood-thirsty,
throat-cutting murdering son of a bitch."
posted by Robert 9/21/2002 01:22:55 PM
1,406 F-words in 18 Episodes
For our readers who enjoy statistics, HBO's Sunday night series is a bit raw, even for your editor's old Corps ears. The f-words flow at the rate of 1.41 per minute. Viewer beware.
Why is a man with an earring is better suited for marriage?
Because he has already experienced pain and purchased jewelry.
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break,
Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi... damn!
There goes another one!"
[Thanks Dave Buck]
It occurred to me that if Tiger Woods' new Swedish bride ever decides to get a divorce, [now that Johnny Cochrane has moved to that Great Courtroom in the Sky], the best she can hope for is what she agreed upon in their pre-nuptial agreement:
The 1990 Volvo she came in ...
And a sleeve of Nike balls ...
How Socratic Method Started
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. [It also explains why he never found out that Plato was messing around with his wife.]
[Thanks Mark Niedert]